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| That day in Nov. is coming up fast.
I think this would be easier to deal with if I knew that I wasn't the one that caused her not to be here.
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| Month One
Mommy
I am only 4 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.
Month Two
Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.
Month Three
You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.
Month Four
Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.
Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?
Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!
Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
This poem hit me so hard tonight! Thinking about my youngest daughter running around and playing and laughing, the little personality and love that she gives.
It breaks my heart to know that I never gave Madison that chance to live. I didn't have that right, to take that away from her!!
I've been trying to stop myself from crying but, I think that I just need to.
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| Yesterday(4/15) was 3 years. 3 whole years since I lost that innocent, sweet part of myself. I can not believe that it has been that long.
I went all day not realizing what day it was. Everything was so hectic with Taylor being sick. But, then I saw the news and it just hit me all at once. I sat on the couch folding laundry and I felt like a piece of myself was missing. Like someone had gotten up and left the room and I missed them, I missed their presence.
Some times it's very evident that I should be doing things 3 fold. That there is another little girl I should be tucking in, hugging, kissing, teaching, lifting up, feeding, watching and loving.
I'm very disappointed in myself. I never even gave myself the chance to prove that I could do it. I never gave her a chance to know Jenna and to be loved and do everyday things with her family.
It still feels like it wasn't me. Like it wasn't real. It never happened. It was just a bad dream, it was someone else. Please let it have been someone else.
But, it wasn't. I did it. I did it. It's surreal. Unbelievable. Strange.
I miss her. I didn't even get to know her but, I miss her. It wasn't fair that I did that to her. It wasn't fair.
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| I updated my other site the other day. It was very hard to do. I try not to think about and most days I do really well. A lot of healing has taken place. It still makes my heart ache though. I just wish that I could go back and change it all. I wish that I knew then what I know now.
I've found myself being very angry at him. He never even said that he was sorry. That's what makes it so hard. We spent 8 years together and he just dumps me, hurts me, forgets me.
Going back to PH is going to be hard. I really don't want to see him. This is the longest that I've gone since I was 14 years old. It'll be weird if we run into each other. He brings back so many memories. I HATE it.
Trying to really come to grips with all that has happened in my life is hard. I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I've done all these stupid things. I know better. I've been taught better. And yet I did it. It's like I lost control of my mind and actions and yet I thought that I was in control. Weird.
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| November 10th. If I had had a computer I would have been on here to post.
My baby would have been 2 years old. Walking and talking and playing with her sister.
It's so hard to not know what she would have looked like, sounded like.
I so enjoy listening to Jenna and watching her learn and grow.
I don't know why I ever listened to him!!!!!! I COULD have done it
alone. I COULD HAVE DONE IT! I would have been a great mom to both of
them!!!! I COULD HAVE DONE IT!!!!!! DAMN IT! DAMN IT ALL!
I'm so angry with myself! I was so weak! SO WEAK! so stupid.
I want her back. I want to celebrate her birthdays not be
stressing about their arrival. Not crying because she's not here to
celebrate with. And it's my fault. I did it.... I didn't have to and I
want to go back and change it.
I want to scream from the rooftops NO! NO! Stop! Don't do it!
I've never felt anything so deep and emotional and heart wrenching as
this! It feels like my heart could explode for the regret and longing.
And there is not fix for this....
Christmas coming up makes it harder too.
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